Judging Red Carpet Fashion — Oscars 2017

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This year’s Oscars was certainly full of surprises, from winners, to almost-winners, to the host Jimmy Kimmel and his goodies falling from the sky.

Now, it is time for me to judge celebrities and what they decided to wear on their bodies.

I am currently wearing black ankle socks and pink plaid boxer shorts with pockets and a drawstring. My blouse is tan, puffed sleeved, and doesn’t match. My hair is dirty. My nails are clean.

I’m ready to do this.

What Not To Do When Accepting Your Oscar

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Somewhere, the red carpet is being vacuumed, little gold statues are meticulously polished, and TV stars are gazing into their three-hundred-and-fifty-thousand dollar vintage mirrors and rehearsing their best “I didn’t win but see what a good sport I am” claps and smiles.

I have a theory that all those years of acting experience has prepared them for this very moment of earth-shattering disappointment. Without those conceal, don’t feel skills under their belts, there’s no telling what these men and women of the dramatical arts would do.

However, not everyone will leave empty handed. A fistful of talented men and women will glide onto that stage (hopefully, not trip but, you know, we love it when they do) to accept the glimmering trophy. And this is the list of things they probably shouldn’t do when they’re up there.