How To Ruin A First Date

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Sweaty palms growing sweatier at the thought, what if he/she tries to hold my hand? Hair won’t lay right. Shoes that always turn into a mistake. Do we go dutch? What if it’s a disaster? How do I let him/her down easily?

Yes, my little minions apprentices.

Today, we’re talking about first dates. More importantly, how to ruin them. Whether this is your intention (you may be locked in a bathroom stall, clutching your phone and reading this list, desperate for ideas on how to get out of this mess) or prevention (date is going really well so you’re locked in a bathroom stall, clutching your phone and reading this list, desperate for a reminder of what not to do) it is all up to you. I now give you this list. But remember: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility.

7 Ways to Approach Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s Day is almost upon us, and it’s possible that you don’t know what to do with this information.

Should you cry? Should you panic? Should you go out, buy a puppy, put a big red bow on it and stage a massive “OH MY GOSH. Look what my BOYFRIEND got me for VALENTINE’S DAY!” performance in the middle of the park.

You can wear a red dress. The couples on their little romantic dates will turn and applaud and tell you what a lucky girl you are.

Or, you can pick one of these seven different ways to approach Valentine’s Day.

How To Attract Guys

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I wanted a Subway sandwich.

I was out shopping with my mom. The adrenaline that comes from wildly spending money, mixed with perseverance to find a bag that looked like a Givenchy Antigona without the cost, left me famished.

We found ourselves in the mall.

“Do you want Subway?” I asked, stepping into the line.

I’ll be honest. My mother had no choice. My stomach lead my heart, and my heart led my feet, and my feet led me to Subway. It was basically the plot line of every romance novel ever written.