How To Attract Guys

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I wanted a Subway sandwich.

I was out shopping with my mom. The adrenaline that comes from wildly spending money, mixed with perseverance to find a bag that looked like a Givenchy Antigona without the cost, left me famished.

We found ourselves in the mall.

“Do you want Subway?” I asked, stepping into the line.

I’ll be honest. My mother had no choice. My stomach lead my heart, and my heart led my feet, and my feet led me to Subway. It was basically the plot line of every romance novel ever written.

Am I Turning Into A Neat Freak? 😱

Am I Turning Into A Neat Freak humor messy slob Rebekah Koontz funny born this wayAll my life, I have been a hot slob. It’s who I am. It’s the way I’m comfortable. I tried to hide it but what was the use?

I was born this way. 

My coming out was hardest on my mother, poor thing. She made comments like, you’ll grow out of it. I’m not too worried. Just wait until you have a place of your own. 

While under my parents’ roof, I abode by their rules. I lived as closely to my natural lifestyle as possible without encroaching on their especially high standards of living. I didn’t want to embarrass them. I just wanted to be me.

I’m Not Allowed In Costco

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Over the course of this year, I have tried and signed up for many a new thing, all on the journey to become—what I refer to as—”a real adult grown up human person.”

Wifi bills. Accounting apps. Dental insurance.

And getting my own Costco card.

Oh yeah. I went out and dun’it. Got my photo taken and everything.

Stupid black-and-white photo on the back of that card makes me look like a smiling, psychopathic serial killer. But whatever.

How I Know I’m ADD

Sometimes, I think of myself as a fairy.

A fairy is so small, it can only feel one emotion at a time. Its tiny little mind simply cannot handle more than one thought, distraction, or task. Not that it ever overloads. No. One thing pushes out the last thing, and va-va-voom, Fairy leaves a long, glittery trail of thoughts undone.

Is that where pixy dust comes from?!

Quickly, I realized my quirky little ways didn’t make me a fairy.

They made me ADD.

10 Signs You Are Legitimately A Short Person

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I am not what they would call a tall drink of water. I’m more of a … shot glass.

5’2. Tiny feet. Loud voice. You know, the typical symptoms of nearing-dwarfism.

I’d be Grumpy.

If you didn’t know, here are seven signs that you are legitimately a short person. If you have all of these, drag up a step-stool and join the club, friend!

Mondays Suck

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It is a truth universally acknowledged that Mondays suck.

The alarm sounds. You rip your eyelids open. And instead of a day filled with cookies, long naps, and TV, you have to crawl out from under your toasty warm bedsheets and go to the eight hour dungeon called work.

Work that forces you to shower, brush your teeth, and do your makeup—all on a day that you really don’t want to.

That is Monday.

I am convinced that certain horrors only occur on Mondays. Tiny irritations that make you throw your head back and groan. And they start at the stroke of twelve.

Cody, My Hero

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I don’t Black Friday shop. Being five-foot-two, I have never had the desire to be trampled into a human pancake, black heel imprints on my forehead.

I work hard to clear up the skin on my forehead. I don’t want footprints on it. Acne products are expensive, man.

However, Friday (yes, The Friday, Black Friday, the big kahoona), giddy from getting my hair done, I waltzed to my nearest Best Buy, blissfully unaware of the ugly shopper’s flurry that surrounded me.

Are You An Adult?

ARE YOU AN ADULT FUNNY JOKE HUMOR ADULTHOOD LIFE GROWING UP

Life is a funny thing. Funny in that you can sit and you can contemplate age, complain about the year you are in, the obstacles holding you back. But no matter what you do, who you talk to, or how hard you think about things, life moves on. You age.

Whether you hide under the covers for ever and evers, you will age. Whether you drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar (because some people think that is the cure to all…), you will age. Whether you worry about tomorrow or enjoy the present, you will age.

Soon, the word “teen” becomes a thing of the past and you are suddenly a “legal” adult. But the question is: are you a real adult?

The Art Of Empty Thinking

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My mind is a constant whir of thoughts, daydreams, to-do lists, reminders, flash-backs, and songs that have stuck. It is never silent. My mind wakes me in the middle of the night with its clicking and buzzing.

I think of things I don’t want to think about. I dwell on memories I’d like to forget. I solve problems that aren’t even mine.

I envy men.

5 Things People Lose Their Mother-Loving Minds Over

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It’s a fact universally acknowledged that people need to

CALM. THEIR. TOOTSIE ROLLS.

For the love of chocolate chip pancakes, take a breath people! It is not the end of human existence as we know it! We will somehow survive this. The sun will continue to shine. God is still in control.

Can we all just GET. A. GRIP. before losing our minds over these tiny, insignificant little details.