How To Socialize

In this day and age, it’s hard to get through a twenty-four hour period without hearing the word “social.” Social media. Social distancing. Socialize.

But what about those who lack the basic requirements of socialization? What about those who have quarantined for so long that they’ve forgotten how to socialize with their fellow man?

That’s where this post comes in.

Socializing is a stressful, somewhat life-threatening factor, necessary to human existence. Let’s get that out of the way. No matter if you’re shy, introverted, or don’t have a tongue, if the waitress at Denny’s asks if you need ketchup, you need to be able to answer her effectively, politely, and without coming off as a psychopath.

I think effective, polite conversation, without coming off as a psychopath, will be our goal at the end of this blog post. They say successful people set achievable goals.

And that’s doable, yeah?

STEP #1 TO SOCIALIZATION: Get dressed.

You may have forgotten those other drawers— you know, the ones that aren’t crammed with pajamas?

Those drawers have something called real clothes. I know. Amazing, right?

Remember to remove the pajamas that are already on your body, before slipping into your real clothes. Real clothes do not include anything with draw strings, fuzzy pants, or Carebears.

STEP #2 TO SOCIALIZATION: Go outside.

Take deep breaths.

No, really. Take deep breaths. Get used to the oxygen outside. You might grow lightheaded. This is normal. Keep breathing. Sit down if you need to, until your head stops swimming.

Welcome to outside. Don’t be afraid of the big, hot lightbulb in the sky. It’s friendly, most of the time.

STEP #3 TO SOCIALIZATION: Find friends.

Socializing is easier with friends. However, friends are not necessary.

Socializing is merely the act of exchanging amiable words with a fellow human being.

STEP #3 (IMPROVED): Find a fellow human being.

The human beings you SHOULD NOT attempt to socialize with are as follows:

Scary-looking human beings (as they are scary looking for the sole purpose of discouraging socialization. You should respect their wishes.)
Human beings wanting to relieve themselves in peace.
Employed humans who are otherwise engaged in tasks that take up a great deal of their attention, such as an officer performing an arrest, a lifeguard, or princess Elsa at Disney Land.
A human being with a gun.
A woman human who is surrounded by one or more similar-looking tiny humans—especially if one or more of the tiny humans is throwing a fit.

STEP #4: Speak to the fellow human being.

Tips for success: Eye contact is key. Be sure to have languages in common. Watch your volume control, and stay within a decent proximity of the person you are speaking with—not across the room and not in their lap (and if you’re reading this during the COVID-19 age, do continue to practice your six-feet social distancing).

I’m afraid this is the step most people mistake as the final step of socialization. This is where they go wrong. There is one more.