It is a truth universally acknowledged that Mondays suck.
The alarm sounds. You rip your eyelids open. And instead of a day filled with cookies, long naps, and TV, you have to crawl out from under your toasty warm bedsheets and go to the eight hour dungeon called work.
Work that forces you to shower, brush your teeth, and do your makeup—all on a day that you really don’t want to.
That is Monday.
I am convinced that certain horrors only occur on Mondays. Tiny irritations that make you throw your head back and groan. And they start at the stroke of twelve.
1. Dogs bark all night. Could be your dog, could be the neighbor’s dog. God knows who stole the Dalmatian puppies this time, but it’s all the neighborhood pets can talk about.
2. You wake up to find your phone at 2%. Not because you didn’t plug it in—no—but because, in the effort of plugging it into your phone, you accidentally yanked the charger out of the wall last night and didn’t realize.
3. The glob of toothpaste falls off your brush and into the sink. So you stare at it for a while, cursing its blue minty existence, before you pick up the tube and try for a second glob.
4. Whilst brushing your teeth, you dribble toothpaste down your black shirt.
5. You make the mistake of attempting to use toilet paper to wipe away the toothpaste, and fragments of white paper dust are left behind, removable only by your frustrated tears.
6. You sneeze while applying mascara and are left with a raccoon smear under your eye, which you now have to spend an extra five minutes cleaning up.
7. You pour your cereal, walk to the fridge, and find that you have no milk.
8. You run out of clean underwear. (On Wednesday, you wear pink. On Monday, you run out of clean underwear. And let’s be honest, you’re not washing anything tonight, so you go to the store and buy a new pack of tighty-whities.)
9. You come home from work to find your dog had an upset stomach, the contents of which have made a landmine out of the inside of your house.
10. You work hard, writing for hours—and then your laptop crashes and you lose everything.
Yes people. These, these acts of satan, only seem to happen on Monday.
So today I post my Sunday post, on a Monday, in honor of this horrible day.
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