My mind is a constant whir of thoughts, daydreams, to-do lists, reminders, flash-backs, and songs that have stuck. It is never silent. My mind wakes me in the middle of the night with its clicking and buzzing.
I think of things I don’t want to think about. I dwell on memories I’d like to forget. I solve problems that aren’t even mine.
I envy men.
A stereotypical man can enter into a stage of empty-thinking at the snap of a finger. They can do it without any previously scheduled plan, forethought, or will. They just do. Not think. They do.
And the doing they do, is nothing.
I, as a woman, cannot comprehend this glorious idea of reclining on the couch, relaxed, with my mind at complete peace.
Here are 10 ways to think about nothing. And please, if you have any tips to share (or are a man) comment below.
1. Stare blankly forward, but slightly down.
2. Hardly breathe. Focus on that.
3. Wait for vision to blur.
4. Perform a repetitive action: brushing hair, knitting, fishing, tapping foot.
5. Drink water (always a good idea).
6. Whenever your mind wanders, blink and refocus on the nothingness.
7. Nothing thoughts: A black abyss, wooden wall paneling/wallpaper, the threads in your carpet, the spaces between your teeth.
8. Take in your environment with newborn’s eyes, as if seeing it for the first time.
9. Scroll through old photos on your phone. Just touch and slide, touch and slide.
10. Continue, successfully, with the nothingness.
I understand, men are waffles and women are spaghetti. But, gosh darn it, I am ready to be a waffle. I like waffles. I like how butter pools up in the crevices. I like how everything is separated and nothing is touching. I like how neat and organized they are.
There is nothing so irritating to a woman than to see a man do nothing.
There are many reasons why that is…
But the main reason is we want that. Once in a while, we want to experience that special detachment from reality. To leave work at work. To let drama bounce past because we’re too busy watching TV to listen. We want to come home from a stressful day, eat a huge dinner, and sleep like a baby, because we’ve already forgotten what transpired within the past eight hours.
Men, teach us your ways.
In return, we can teach you how to simultaneously cook Thanksgiving dinner, put on pantyhose, and discipline a set of twins. Deal?
When you’re ready, I will be in my bedroom, staring at the light switch by the door and thinking about nothing.
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