It’s a fact universally acknowledged that people need to

CALM. THEIR. TOOTSIE ROLLS.

For the love of chocolate chip pancakes, take a breath people! It is not the end of human existence as we know it! We will somehow survive this. The sun will continue to shine. God is still in control.

Can we all just GET. A. GRIP. before losing our minds over these tiny, insignificant little details.

1. Group texts.

My church (oh yes, let’s get right into it) accidentally sent a group text to everyone, ages 18-28.

My phone wouldn’t shut up.

I will admit to being a bit… peeved when the photoshopped pictures began streaming in. Church member’s faces were tacked on to the bodies of the cast of Star Wars. STAR WARS. Pictures of kittens and household pets looking boring soon followed.

This text explosion almost caused a division in our Sunday school class. People whined, complained and threatened to sue. There were ceremonial phone burnings in the town square. People performed rituals to cleanse themselves of all unholiness…

…when they could’ve just opted out of the group text.

2. Bad weather.

Granted, this is mostly Californians. Californians react to a droplet of rain on their windshield in the same way a normal person would react to armageddon.

There are more car accidents, fires, divorces, bankruptcies, diets broken, and children lost in Walmart when the weather is bad.

People can’t physically handle the extra stress rain brings. How Washington is still standing is beyond me.

3. Sushi.

People lose their minds over sushi. It’s their crack. Their life source.

There isn’t a balance when it comes to the amount of adoration someone can have for sushi. It is basically on the scale of “yeah I’ll eat the weird salty roll” to “THIS IS THE BEST THING ON THE ENTIRE PLANET! I SHALL EAT UNTIL I HAVE SOLD MY CHILDREN AND EXHAUSTED ALL FORMS OF FINANCIAL SECURITY.”

It’s like sushi people have never heard of pizza.

4. Boba.

Boba is in the same vein as sushi.

People actually crave these tasteless, black eyeballs called boba beans. And it’s not like they’re chocolate chips! DO YOU PEOPLE REALIZE THESE EYEBALLS ARE NOT CHOCOLATE CHIPS?

I can’t.

I can’t even talk about this one.

5. Emojis.

It’s shouted from the rooftops. It is long awaited. People tweet and camp out and count down the days until their ultimate, favorite, “this is totally me in emoji form” emoji is released into their messaging app.

We were all informed when the unicorn became an option for tweeters and texters everywhere.

The pile of poop took the world by storm.

A pile… of poop.

A poop pile.

With eyeballs.

You can get it on T-shirts, in the shape of a throw pillow, as a brown, swirly hard phone case.

I will repeat my point on the boba tea. Friends, it is NOT a chocolate chip. Yet there is no denying its vast popularity. Imagine if someone at Apple removed the poop emoji from the list of options.

The ability for humans to effectively communicate would cease to exist. Activists would hold rallies and wave poop signs. Apple stores would be vandalized. The president would have to get involved in order to restore peace to the nation.

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Need I say it?

Need I ACTUALLY say it?

CALM YOURSELVES.

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