Girls are mysterious, beautiful creatures. However, some things we haven’t kept much of a secret.

Our eternal hatred of creepy crawly things, for example.

Upon finding a spider, there are about twelve basic steps every girl goes through.

STEP ONE: Panic. Scream. Hyperventilate.

STEP TWO: Talk herself down. She can do this. She is strong. She is independent.

STEP THREE: Wail bloody murder until a male-type bolts into the room, expecting to find her bleeding out.

STEP FOUR: Lose sight of the spider.

STEP FIVE: Overreact. Just a little bit.

STEP SIX: Talk herself down. Again. You can get through this. Breathe. You can get through this.

STEP SEVEN: Get angry at the useless boy-type who let the hairy demon go free.

STEP EIGHT: Roll up her sleeves and find someone else’s shoe.

STEP NINE: Stomp the spider. Miss. Squeal. She can hear the tiny, manic cackles as he flees.

STEP TEN: She’ll feel that itchy, creeping feeling of tiny spider feet scurrying up and down her skin.

STEP ELEVEN: She’ll imagine eggs being laid in every nook and cranny of the house, in her hair, in the micro pores of her beauty blender. 

STEP TWELVE: Burn down the house. Flee the country and change her name.

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Spiders are a serious torment to a girl’s life.

Boys, never tell a girl to calm down. Nothing will be calm until someone KILLS THE BEAST.

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