Girls are mysterious, beautiful creatures. However, some things we haven’t kept much of a secret.
Our eternal hatred of creepy crawly things, for example.
Upon finding a spider, there are about twelve basic steps every girl goes through.
STEP ONE: Panic. Scream. Hyperventilate.
STEP TWO: Talk herself down. She can do this. She is strong. She is independent.
STEP THREE: Wail bloody murder until a male-type bolts into the room, expecting to find her bleeding out.
STEP FOUR: Lose sight of the spider.
STEP FIVE: Overreact. Just a little bit.
STEP SIX: Talk herself down. Again. You can get through this. Breathe. You can get through this.
STEP SEVEN: Get angry at the useless boy-type who let the hairy demon go free.
STEP EIGHT: Roll up her sleeves and find someone else’s shoe.
STEP NINE: Stomp the spider. Miss. Squeal. She can hear the tiny, manic cackles as he flees.
STEP TEN: She’ll feel that itchy, creeping feeling of tiny spider feet scurrying up and down her skin.
STEP ELEVEN: She’ll imagine eggs being laid in every nook and cranny of the house, in her hair, in the micro pores of her beauty blender.
STEP TWELVE: Burn down the house. Flee the country and change her name.
Spiders are a serious torment to a girl’s life.
Boys, never tell a girl to calm down. Nothing will be calm until someone KILLS THE BEAST.
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