What Girls Do Upon Finding A Spider

What girls do upon finding a spider humor

Girls are mysterious, beautiful creatures. However, some things we haven’t kept much of a secret.

Our eternal hatred of creepy crawly things, for example.

Upon finding a spider, there are about twelve basic steps every girl goes through.

STEP ONE: Panic. Scream. Hyperventilate.

panic scream

STEP TWO: Talk herself down. She can do this. She is strong. She is independent.

I can do this

STEP THREE: Wail bloody murder until a male-type bolts into the room, expecting to find her bleeding out.

Superman hero

STEP FOUR: Lose sight of the spider.


STEP FIVE: Overreact. Just a little bit.

freak out

STEP SIX: Talk herself down. Again. You can get through this. Breathe. You can get through this.


STEP SEVEN: Get angry at the useless boy-type who let the hairy demon go free.

I'll do it myself

STEP EIGHT: Roll up her sleeves and find someone else’s shoe.


STEP NINE: Stomp the spider. Miss. Squeal. She can hear the tiny, manic cackles as he flees.


STEP TEN: She’ll feel that itchy, creeping feeling of tiny spider feet scurrying up and down her skin.


STEP ELEVEN: She’ll imagine eggs being laid in every nook and cranny of the house, in her hair, in the micro pores of her beauty blender. gagging

STEP TWELVE: Burn down the house. Flee the country and change her name.

walk away from fire

Spiders are a serious torment to a girl’s life.

Boys, never tell a girl to calm down. Nothing will be calm until someone KILLS THE BEAST.


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