Coffee is dear to my heart. It began at a young age, tasting my mom’s coffee ice cream for the first time. Then I worked at a coffee shop for two years and one thing led to another. . .
I’ll just get into it. Because as soon as I finish this post, I get to run downstairs and get free, you-know-what warm delicious goodness from the hotel lobby.
This hotel is wonderful.
5 Reasons Why I Must Be Caffeinated At All Times
#1. To Function.
I require caffeination for the typical involuntary protocol like breathing, knowing how to sit, recognizing colors, coherent sentences, remembering my alphabet, etc.
#2. I’m way funnier when caffeinated.
I get some of my best post ideas while caffeinated. My fingers spaz across the keys. I toss my head back and laugh maniacally at every line.
Seriously, I’m hilarious. Stick around.
Typing, thinking of breakfast, worrying about breakouts on my chin, spell-checking my work, it will blue your mind how many things I can do at once. I never make mistakes so I never have to go back and read my posts for erros.
Gosh. I’m so efficient. Coffee makes me a better person, really.
#4. Coffee is a natural laxative.
#5. I’m a much better dancer.
This last one I didn’t discover until about an hour ago, when I was standing in the tea isle of Whole Foods and a good song came on. People stared because of the sheer, artistic beauty of my rhythmic flow.
They wanted to ask me what my dance secret was. And I would’ve told them caffeine.
One thing I will say about being caffeinated is that it isn’t good if you’re around children. You’ll be hyper. They’ll be hyper. Soon everyone’s twitching. It’s just bad.
Besides that, though, I think we can all agree—in light of the factual evidence I have presented—that coffee is life. Life is coffee.