Judging Red Carpet Fashion — Oscars 2017

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This year’s Oscars was certainly full of surprises, from winners, to almost-winners, to the host Jimmy Kimmel and his goodies falling from the sky.

Now, it is time for me to judge celebrities and what they decided to wear on their bodies.

I am currently wearing black ankle socks and pink plaid boxer shorts with pockets and a drawstring. My blouse is tan, puffed sleeved, and doesn’t match. My hair is dirty. My nails are clean.

I’m ready to do this.

*takes a dainty sip of her lukewarm coffee before beginning*

1. Priyanka Chopra

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This dress looks like a vase. I stared and stared. This vase looked familiar—and not because it reminded me of the quilted bedspread on my great aunt’s mattress.

Then it hit me.

vase

2. Ruth Negga

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I didn’t choose this photo because of Ruth’s dress. I chose it for the look on her face.

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That is the expression of a woman who sees something better on the horizon. A woman who just witnessed the second coming of Jesus. A woman who sees a giant Dominoes pizza floating down on a white parachute and knows that pizza is for her.

3. Salma Hayek

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Don’t get me wrong. I understand the convenience of wearing your sleepwear out and about.

No need to lift your insured-for-$9,000 arms in that incredibly exhausting manner it takes for you to slip into an old college t-shirt and soccer shorts, just wear your nightgown to the party!

I also wonder how she’s getting so much… support in a nighty.

*After five minutes, Rebekah stops squint-staring and slowly draws her nose away from the screen*

4. Halle Berry

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Halle Berry has puppies. She has puppies and was three steps out the door when she realized she forgot her solid gold clutch and had to go back.

A stampede commenced. Puppies jumped. Claws caught on fabric. The bottom of that dress was HISTORY.

5. Janelle Monáe

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My eyes… don’t know where to look.

You know what my immediate thought is?

This girl turned down something else to wear this dress.

There was this dress and there was a plan B and she stood there in her underwear like. . .

tough-decision-choices

And she chose to wear… that.

Cute headband though!

6. Dakota Johnson

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This is a dress my pastor’s wife would approve of.

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However, the bow looks like it’s on the wrong side. She may have spilled black ink on her lap. Everyone shrieked in horror! But she hushed them with one calm sweeping wave of her delicate hand.

“I got this,” she said. She chewed her lip a moment, tapping into the energy and wisdom of pastor’s wives everywhere, then swiveled the bow from her back to her front, covering the stain.

The crowd released a sigh of relief.

7. Jessica Biel

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Alas, we have another victim of a household-pet-with-claws catastrophe.

Except Jessica Biel has a cat. One that, not only wouldn’t let go, but kept clawing and scratching as three different stage managers attempted to pry the cat off her, whilst Jessica screeched over and over, “get Fluffy AWAY. Get Fluffy AWAY!!”

8. Teresa Palmer

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Teresa Palmer looks like the thin metal piece of the pencil that attaches the eraser to the wood—the part kids chew on until their canines leave an indentation.

Very pretty.

9. Darby Stanchfield

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She’s a cloud! An unraveling roll of toilet paper! She’s immaculately clean! She is sponsored by Tide Laundry Detergent. She will NOT be sitting down on anything tonight, or ever. See that pinched smile and dead look behind her eyes? That’s the expression of a woman who chose fashion over comfort and she realized it too late.

10. Sofia Boutella

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This girl is one of two people.

#1. Her mother took one look at her aluminum foil dress and said, “honey, you are NOT showing that much thigh. Do you SEE what Dakota Johnson is wearing? Lengthen the hem. I don’t care how you do it… Also, hot glue some washers to the silver dress, that’ll add some real pizzazz. You’re gorgeous. I love you. Give me a kiss before you go.”

Or.

#2. Sofia had a metal dress and a dress a million ostriches died for and she. Just. Couldn’t. Decide.

both-decision


What will next year’s Oscars bring?!

Hopefully more crazy dresses I can compare to household appliances.

Fingers crossed.

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Photo cred: Vogue.com
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