Sweaty palms growing sweatier at the thought, what if he/she tries to hold my hand? Hair won’t lay right. Shoes that always turn into a mistake. Do we go dutch? What if it’s a disaster? How do I let him/her down easily?

Yes, my little minions apprentices.

Today, we’re talking about first dates. More importantly, how to ruin them. Whether this is your intention (you may be locked in a bathroom stall, clutching your phone and reading this list, desperate for ideas on how to get out of this mess) or prevention (date is going really well so you’re locked in a bathroom stall, clutching your phone and reading this list, desperate for a reminder of what not to do) it is all up to you. I now give you this list. But remember: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility.

1. Make it obvious you have nothing in common.

They say opposites attract. If you’ve been attracted to your opposite, you have nothing in common. Find every teeny difference between you and point it out. Really dwell on it. If all else fails, throw your hands in the air and exclaim “we have NOTHING in common!” as the waiter sets your complimentary bread basket on the table.

2. Be overtly touchy.

You’re trying to get to know this person. Learn their insides and outsides, what really makes them tick. You should be keenly aware of their pulse at all times.

So go for that bear hug and don’t let go—no matter how hard they struggle to get away. It’s what a first date is for, after all.

3. Laugh at the wrong moments.

It’s always awkward when you find out “-and that’s when my dog died…” isn’t a punchline.

4. Don’t-laugh at the wrong moments.

You can see they’re telling a joke. Their voice is cracking, their smile is huge, so when they get all revved up and deliver the punchline—you don’t laugh.

5. Pretend you’re listening, then when it’s time for a response, blink awkwardly and have nothing to say.

6. Stick to one topic and turn all transitions back around to your original topic.

When your date begins beating their head against a dinner plate, you’re doing it right. Claps for you, boo-boo. Claps. For. You. Explain football in more depth. Complain about that bratty coworker one more time.

7. Talk about your ex.

Whether they were wonderful (instilling the weighty pressure of expectations your future partner must now live up to or excel in) or whether they were horrible (in which case, blatantly telling your date that you are nowhere near being over your ex), this is a fantastic way to shake up a date that’s going far too smoothly.

8. Spend half an hour explaining how awesome your car is.

9. Spend the next hour showing how awesome your car is before taking your date home.

They should reach the point of ultimate fear, panic stricken that you will never ever take them home, or worse, you won’t take them home until you’ve popped the trunk and explained every plug and tubey in there as well.

10. Be on your phone.

Technology has provided the most effective tool in visually displaying your lack of desire to be with people. Nothing says I don’t care, soo incredibly bored of you, and I’m not listening better than being on your phone. So go for it.

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Dating is hard ridiculous frustrating socially acceptable form of torture interesting. But now you have this list. You have the power of knowledge. You are ready to spread your wings and soar along the winds of uncertainty and possible heartbreak.

God be with you.

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