I’d Fail As The First Lady

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When any woman is in a glorified, high and honored position, she should be a lot of things.

Graceful. Intelligent. Quiet (when the moment calls for it). A leader. Strong. Mature.

I have my moments. Moments I walk into a room and exercise momentary restraint by not screaming  “whoo does it STINK in here! Do you SMELL that? No really. Do you smell that?” and proceeding then, in an undertone, to lean over to my neighbor and murmur, “who do you think did it?

Then I have my moments of complete and utter failure. Moments I look back on, tilt my head, and think: maybe that’s why I wouldn’t make a good first lady. . .

1. My compulsive drug references.

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I’m cute and little. Dropping a drug reference accomplishes the ultimate shock factor from a comedic standpoint, hence? More laughs.

If only I’d stop doing it at the most inappropriate times. Or just remember my audience.

 2. I’m obnoxious.

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I have a loud voice. It comes from being small in stature.

On the one hand, this makes me a phenomenal public speaker, should the microphones ever break. On the other hand, I have absolutely no volume control and have been known to YELL through an entire conversation if I’m in a great mood.

I also can’t whisper, which may end badly if I were ever gossiping to my husband about some rude political leader and everyone heard.

3. I trip on air.

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I’m not drunk. The earth just tilts.

4. I have the sense of humor of a teenage boy.

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I know a lady shouldn’t laugh, but The Snort has a comedic taste all of its own.

5. I don’t know a lot of patriotic songs… or hymns.

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I have, however, mastered the art of grinning and moving my lips around so it looks like I know the song.

6. There are days I don’t want to wear the classic matching pencil skirt and heels. I may want to wear dirty old jeans. Or sweats. Or. . .

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7. My worries include the condition of my pedicure and if my brother ate the last poptart—not world peace or curing cancer. And I certainly don’t lie awake at night fretting about the debt of the nation.

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8. I unintentionally mimmic weird laughs RIGHT after the person with the laugh has laughed.

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This has gotten me into so much trouble. People constantly think I’m doing it to make fun. The truth is their donkey laugh was so unique I wanted to try it out for myself!

Explaining that doesn’t make the situation any less awkward, though.

9. I’m terrible at hiding my true feelings.

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Because of this, I come across as judgmental (but only when someone makes a stupid comment) and uncharitable (when I can’t eat their disgusting salad without making a face).

I try to be stoic. And I think I’m being stoic. But the feelings are on my face without ever having to leave my mouth.

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10. I’m a nervous joker.

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Whenever I’m in an uncomfortable situation, the stupid jokes, witty remarks, and nonsense observations FLOW from my mouth.

The first lady should be able to carry on intelligent conversation in her husband’s absence, whilst gracefully serving tea and bubbling forth chirpy little feminine laughs as the leaders of nations assemble and strategize—NOT blink twice, lay down the tea tray, and begin a rendition of “so fellas, two nuns walk into a bar. . .”


All this to say, if the president (or king) were to ever ask for my hand in marriage, I wouldn’t say no. I’d do my best and charm the world in my own unique way!

At least we’d never host a boring dinner at our house.

The White House, that is.

 

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