It has come to my attention recently that I need to work on my priorities. I’ve always known this. I don’t know what it is about me.
My priorities are simply different from everyone else’s.
All this to say, I’ve decided to sit down and tell you the things I do and the things I don’t have time for.
THINGS I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR: The gym.
Going to the gym is at least one hour of my day sucked away. Do you have any idea how much I could get done in an hour?
One day only has 24 hours. That’s not very much! I don’t want to spend it at a smelly gym. Furthermore, what if I die tomorrow? I don’t want to die tomorrow knowing I wasted an hour of today at the gym.
THINGS I DO HAVE TIME FOR: Two 40-minute episodes on Netflix.
Sometimes, I’ll put on a show I don’t really like, so it doesn’t really feel like I’m messing around and wasting time.
THINGS I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR: Turning clothes right side out as I fold.
I can do that before I put the shirt on.
THINGS I DO HAVE TIME FOR: Mascara.
I will be late to meet the president of the United States who’s hosting a party for Taylor Swift, who’s handing out iPhone’s and chocolate bars and pug puppies, before I step out with a full face of makeup and no mascara on.
THINGS I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR: Frozen pizzas.
Frozen pizzas seem to take so long to bake in the oven. Then, it has to cool on the countertop before you slice it and bite into it.
I always burn my mouth with a baked pizza. Always. I don’t have the patience to wait, and I think I can man-up and handle the heat. Then, I walk around, smacking my tongue around a fuzzy-feeling mouth, because I never learn.
THINGS I DO HAVE TIME FOR: Coffee.
Whether it’s the barista at Starbucks or waiting for my coffee to brew at home, I will wait for it to be perfectly brewed, sweetened, warmed, cooled, blended, whipped creamed, finished with a round of golf, and I won’t say anything. I’ll wait—silently, faithfully—until that cup of deliciousness makes it into my hand.
And I’ll wait just as patiently for the improved cup of coffee, if the first one wasn’t made to my liking.
THINGS I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR: Cleaning the bathroom.
If you really think about it, the toilet basically washes itself with every flush. And soap and water spill onto the sink all the time. Bam. Done. Clean. Not wasting time on that.
THINGS I DO HAVE TIME FOR: Picking dog hair off my black clothes.
It never occurs to me to search the house for or buy a lint roller. I will stand in the middle of a room, staring at my stomach—double chin and all—as I pick each individual, white Kiki hair off my top.
Then I’ll forget moments later and cuddle her when she jumps on my lap.
THINGS I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR: Paying bills.
I’ll do those later. Tomorrow. A year from now.
THINGS I DO HAVE TIME FOR: Digging through the clearance bin at Walmart.
You never know what treasures you’ll find! No, I can’t exactly afford it. But look at how much money I’m SAVING!
THINGS I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR: Flossing.
I am convinced that flossing is the #1 thing people lie about. It’s not their weight or age or Facebook status. They lie about flossing. To their dentist. To each other. To themselves. To the cashier at Target (when in reality, the only reason they’re buying floss is because they lost the last pack they bought).
Every single one of us will have to stand before the judgment seat of God and explain why we found the need to lie so much about a measly piece of minty string.
We might as well call flossing an abomination.
What do/don’t you have time for?