When it comes to correct socialization, some of us lack the basic requirements. This is okay! We can learn. Some of us, also, are nearing age 21 and still don’t know how to work a dish washer. That is okay, too. Perhaps we’ll learn that task later (after we read this life-changing blog post, of course).
Are you with me? We good? You good?
Socializing is a stressful, somewhat life-threatening factor, necessary to human existence. Let’s get that out of the way. No matter if you’re shy, introverted, or don’t have a tongue, if the waitress at Denny’s asks if you need ketchup, you need to be able to answer her effectively, politely, and without coming off as a psychopath.
I think effective, polite conversation, without coming off as a psychopath, will be our ultimate goal at the end of this blog post.
That’s doable, yeah?
STEP #1 TO SOCIALIZATION: Get dressed.
You may have forgotten those other drawers— you know, the ones that aren’t crammed with pajamas?
Those drawers have something called real clothes. Amazing, right?
Remember to remove the pajamas that are already on your body, before slipping into your real clothes. Real clothes do not include anything with draw strings, fuzzy pants, or Carebears.
STEP #2 TO SOCIALIZATION: Get out of the house.
Take deep breaths.
No, really. Take deep breaths. Get used to the oxygen outside. You might grow lightheaded. This is normal. Keep breathing. Sit down if you need to, until your head stops swimming.
Welcome to outside. Don’t be afraid of the big, hot lightbulb in the sky. It’s friendly, most of the time.
STEP #3 TO SOCIALIZATION: Find friends.
Socializing is easier with friends. However, friends are not necessary.
Socializing is merely the act of exchanging amiable words with a fellow human being.
STEP #3 (IMPROVED): Find a fellow human being.
Choose your human carefully.
Human beings I suggest you DO NOT attempt to socialize with are as follows:
- Scary looking human beings (as they are scary looking for the sole purpose of not wanting to socialize with you. You should respect their wishes.)
- Human beings wanting to relieve themselves in peace.
- Employed humans who are otherwise engaged in tasks that take up a great deal of their attention, such as an officer performing an arrest, or a lifeguard, or princess Elsa at Disney Land.
- A human being with a gun.
- A woman human who is surrounded by one or more similar-looking, tiny humans—especially if one or more of the tiny humans is having a fit.
STEP #4 TO SOCIALIZATION: Speak to the fellow human being.
Tips for success: Eye contact is key. Be sure to have languages in common. Watch your volume control, and stay within a decent proximity of the person you are speaking with (not across the room and not in their lap).
I’m afraid this is the step most people mistake as the final step. This is where they go wrong. There is one more step.
STEP #5 TO SOCIALIZATION: Listen and respond.
Listening to the special human you have decided to socialize with is vital in completing the socializing process.
If you can listen and respond, and be polite, and communicate effectively, and not come off as a psychopath, my friend, you have just socialized!
I’m so proud.