We learn how to lie from childhood. Soon after, as we rub our sore bottoms, we begin to learn how not to lie.

In adulthood, we master the art of withholding information. Not lying. Lying is bad. We merely withhold.

Why withhold? We’re adults! We don’t answer to anybody! Tell ’em like it is!

We think ourselves high and mighty and untouchable—until we walk into the doctor’s office.

There’s something about the doctor’s office. It’s cold, and sanitary, and no matter how many lollypops the nurse may bribe you with, you sit on that crepe paper, feet dangling, and you lose all sense of pride.

Suddenly, you’re eight years old and fidgeting. You want to get a gold star. Quickly, you begin a list of things you shouldn’t say to your doctor. I’ve labeled them.

#1. The Abe Lincoln.

“Honestly, Doc, I only smoke when I’m drunk. .”

#2. The Veteran.

“I tried exercising, but I found it to be exhausting.”

#3. The Excuse Maker. 

“The only reason I ate all that cotton candy was to stop the bleeding.”

#4. The FAQ.

“If I accidentally swallowed a razor blade, what’s the best way to get it out?”

#5. The Devoted Parent.

“How many times can you drop a kid on its head before something bad happens?”

#6. The Nutrition Specialist.

“The only fresh vegetables I eat are french fries… and only when they are fresh.”

#7. The Social Butterfly.

“So you’re saying that I SHOULDN’T share needles with my friends?”

#8. Planned Parenting Counselor.

“THAT’s what causes pregnancy?”

#9. Me.

“I like salt… and sugar.”

——

These are exactly the things you shouldn’t say to your doctor. Remember them before you swing your legs casually and let your mouth run.

I’ll admit, however, that there’s the evil side of me that wants to dare each and every one of you to say these things while I sit back like,

Ohhh. That would be a good laugh.

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Thank you to Papi Koontz for his creative input!