My mom is on a health kick of late. Yes, I blame her. I do not possess the natural motivation to take care of my body and exercise. The motivation is weak, the peer pressure from my mother is strong.

I had a thought one day about my body rejecting all things healthy.

Today, I am here to prove it to you. This is real-life stuff, people.

I’m exhausted when I come home from the gym.

The gym shouldn’t be exhausting. It should be rejuvenating and remove all IShouldn’tHaveEatenAllThatEasterCandy guilt!

I’m starving when I come home from the gym, and for the rest of the day after.

I know I’m an ungrateful American with a pantry full of food, but I don’t like the feeling of starving. It’s uncomfortable. It’s distracting. I get no work done. I’m hungry all the time (that’s what starving means).

It’s just . . . Why go through that? Might as well not go to the gym and save myself from the misery.

Protein shakes make me sick.

At the coffee shop I work at, we sell protein shakes. Every time I have one, my throat feels funny and I feel like I’m catching a cold.

My parents bought this huge tub of protein powder. The tub is a see-through orange color, so it makes the powder inside look like cheese dust. I suddenly had a craving for Cheeto puffs.

Yesterday, my mom made me a glass of protein powder in vanilla almond milk, and it was disgusting. I fixed it by adding ice, frozen banana, peanut butter, and hershey’s chocolate syrup then running it in the blender a few times. I felt sick a little while after. Stupid health drinks. .

If I drink too much water, I’m constantly in the restroom. 

It’s a waste of time really.

Exercising is bad for my complexion.

I wrote “Pink Is Hot” not too long ago, so you’ll know, I have naturally red cheeks. The moment I think of moving my arms and legs, my face flares up like an alarm signal that feels it’s being ignored.

I suppose it would be okay if the redness stayed on the apples of my cheeks like a cute porcelain doll. Instead, the red spreads in a C pattern on either side of my face, tells my chin to wake up and get with the program, my nose follows suit, and because my forehead is an obvious follower, it decides to go red and blotchy too.

My complexion then looks worse that it’s ever looked.

These are the reasons why I am positive that my body rejects all things healthy. Protein shakes give me a reaction. I’m not aesthetically pleasing. I spend way too much time in the bathroom.

I hereby rest my case.

If you need me, I’ll be in front of the television eating my 1lb chocolate easter bunny, and fishy crackers, and Oreo ice cream, and I still want those Cheeto puffs.

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[Thus raises the obvious question. Is health and fitness really good for you?? Dum dum duumm!]