This morning my mom and I went to the gym for the first time. Well, it was my first time at the gym. She’s always worked out, and it was really my first time, because I had never set foot in this particular gym until today. She signed me up herself.

But I got a free t-shirt, and as far as free t-shirts go, it’s pretty awesome. I was dumb enough to take an epic, Ultimate Fitness posing picture of myself in it, but then the whole world would know where I go, and as far as safety is concerned, that’s not the smartest thing to do. So I’m sorry for no pictures.

That t-shirt though… pretty awesome.

I walked into that gym wearing my free t-shirt, my new exercise leggings (on sale at Target), hair in a pony tail, standing proud and tall. Then it hit me. I bet they could distinguish the newbies because everyone wears their free t-shirts the first day.

My goal was to blend in and try not to look confused. I believed I already failed that goal.

My mom was smart, she wore a normal, no-brand t-shirt. She would fit in just fine.

Alright, alright. You would be happy to know that I did in fact get over the t-shirt fiasco. There was one other girl wearing the same one. I wanted to ask her if she was new. Other than that moment, I moved on with my life.

My mom and I walked in and showed the girl our key cards, then she took my picture. I smiled awkwardly and she asked, “Is that it?”

I didn’t know if she was expecting me to be a model about it, but I’m assuming my reaction was rather subdued compared to her regular audience.

I honestly don’t know what the picture is for. Maybe to be sure no one else uses your key card. I should have my mom switch cards with me and see if they say something.

My mom led the way to the locker room while I marveled at everything. Buttons and TVs and big things were everywhere. I checked out the showers which were too high tech for me because I couldn’t even find the light switch.

We wandered around the weight machines and started with the treadmills. Each treadmill had it’s own TV screen, and I turned into a child.

I touched every button on that treadmill. I even played a game of solitaire and won. Then my mom and I moved to bicycles and watched Food Network.

My mom made an excellent observation. We’re probably the only people who have the stamina to watch Food Network while we exercise. We even did it on our trip. In my opinion, we were using TV for exactly what it should be used for.

Soon, we were wandering through the weight machines, and to a non-gym-er like me, all these things look like big, black cushioned, metal gorillas that could possibly eat you, in the shape of a chair.

Luckily, they had illustrated instructions for people like me. The instructions even told you what muscle the machine works.

Soon I was bee-lining around the group of machines like a child in a toy factory, cheeping, “what’s that do? What’s that do? What’s that?”

My mom and I even got advice from a trainer on how to work our lower abs (We asked him. He didn’t just make an observation off of us). He showed us the machines to use and how to use them. One is this crazy machine where you fold yourself in half and attempt to sit up slowly without making the weights clang, because they will crash into each other with such force it makes people’s teeth chatter.

All in all it was a good experience for a First Gym Day. I came home and made a smoothie out of frozen fruit and yogurt and felt very much absolved for all the chips and cookies and candy I’ve ever eaten.

I’ll be sore tomorrow.