When someone dies, the first thing you ask is: is it true? When someone commits suicide, you think: I could’ve prevented it… but didn’t.
I was going to write about one of my best friends, Kyle, and I, traipsing all over beautiful Redlands, California yesterday, until something happened that no one ever expects – that no one ever is prepared for.. – happening.
Kyle called me this morning. And his first words were, “I don’t know how to say this, but..”
I sat down.
One of our friends from US Naval Sea Cadets passed away.
Is it true?
Kyle wouldn’t have called me if it wasn’t. I double checked my mental calendar. It wasn’t April first. Needless to say, I couldn’t stop crying.
My friend had tweeted me a few days ago. He had given me his new number, and I never responded.
I could’ve prevented it..
Kyle and I are really open. Kyle gently told me that my response was natural. He said it wasn’t my fault and that if our friend already had it in his mind to commit this act, he would’ve done it regardless.
It wasn’t our fault. It wasn’t my fault.
If you know of someone close to you who’s committed suicide, it isn’t your fault either. I know that feels like BS now (feels like BS to me), but it is true.
I’m a Christian. This won’t be a preaching seminar, but at times when I have no control – times of death – knowing God is in control becomes my only source of comfort. I don’t think “God why did you let this happen?!” I think, “God let this happen. .” and I know it’s going to be okay.
I’m writing this post to comfort anyone who may be going through the same thing. The same feelings as me.
And I’m writing this post to those who are thinking of committing suicide.
Why would you do it?
If I could go back to my friend, I have so many hurt, so many angry questions to ask him.
The first one being: Why?!
Why would you do it? You’re: angry/sad/lonely/bullied/tired?
Do you just don’t care?
I can imagine some people who are ready to throw in the towel think, “no one cares about me.” But if you commit suicide, that means you don’t care about anyone either.
Is it possible for someone not to care about anyone?
My friend had three sisters, a twin… And so many of us crying over him today. He may have had no idea about how many of us he touched with his sweet temper and caring ways, but his sisters. . . they were fact.
How could he do this to them?
Do you have family? Do you have anyone you care about?
Brothers, parents, friends, crushes, teachers, a pet. .
It’s impossible not to care about anything. . And if you disagree, you’re not trying hard enough TO care.
How much I miss him begins to be overrun with anger.
How could he do this to us? It feels like a slap in the face, “Rebekah, you’re not worth living for. Sister, you don’t care so I don’t care about you.” It’s like coming in for a hug and getting shoved away and flipped the bird.
Is it for revenge?
Killing yourself floods everyone around you with hurt. Do you want to hurt those around you the way they’ve hurt you?
If it was me… no matter how miserable I was, I couldn’t kill myself. Because I would never wish all those horrid, bitter, and lonely feelings on ANYONE. Especially the people who care about me.
But if you kill yourself, the only people who will get hurt, will be those who care.
And there are always people who care. Don’t ever think otherwise. Even if it seems impossible. Take me for example.
I haven’t seen my friend in years. Three years maybe. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. We never texted. He never had his own phone. When he gave me his phone number the other day, I must’ve been out, because I had completely forgotten. . That never meant he wasn’t worth my time. . We kept up with each other’s Twitter and Instagram.
He’s still as much as a friend to me as he was three years ago, when we went to bootcamp together and cried and sweated together. Everyone loved his simple silliness. How he was able to look at the big brawly marine who was barking at us to do MORE push-ups with our faces in the gravel and then later say something so innocently hilarious (amongst our grumbles and fatigue), it’d make us all laugh and be able to make it through the miserable drill day.
What happened to that boy?
He never let anyone or anything get to him at drill. How did he let life get to him that he had to leave it?
Even though he may have never thought about me caring. Thought about how my heart would break at the news. How I would cry, realizing I never even had a chance to try to talk him out of it, to convince him with all my might not to leave us, that it wasn’t worth it. I do care, my heart did break.
If you’re having suicidal thoughts. And you think no one cares. It’s a lie straight from hell. Because I’m that random friend. The one you’ve forgotten about but hasn’t forgotten you. The one that still quotes your “are you a salty sailor?” line. The one you’ve touched with your personality, your sense of humor, your quiet ways. The one who will feel their heart shattered to pieces when they find you’ve given up.
And it’ll probably never cross your mind.
So stop. Just stop. If you’re thinking this way, say it aloud, “stop.” And keep saying it. There are five million-billion-thousands-trillion-hundred different things on earth to LIVE for.
God is mine. I’ve come close to dying a few times. (However, not by my own hand.) But because I’m still alive, I know God isn’t through with me yet. He has a HUGE, wonderful plan for me.
You’re reading this right now. You’re alive. An anvil hasn’t fallen from the sky and crushed you flat. God isn’t through with you yet, either. He has a wonderful plan for you.
Don’t you want to know what that plan is?
I pray that in that last desperate moment of searching, someone – maybe you – can read this and decide to stop. To not let go, and to not say goodbye.
I hope I’ve helped someone out there in some way. In the end, I just had to write…